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What you need to know about jealousy

What is the safest way to destroy a relationship you care about? Or any important relationship? Jealousy is as old as man and, when it is exaggerated, is one of the most destructive instincts. And by the one who carries it in himself and by the one on whom it is reflected. To the extent that it is quite appropriate to ask the question: Who is actually the victim of jealousy?


Jealousy is an extremely strong urge. What is at its core?


Jealousy is an emotion that appears when someone is convinced that a loved one could stop loving him because of another person. To make jealousy appear,some assumptions need to be met. First it is necessary that there is a relationship of love or at least the desire of one person to love another. It doesn’t have to be real, mutual love, or clearly expressed affection. It is enough for one person to have sympathy for another, to want to establish a love relationship. It is also necessary to have a third person who is perceived as a person who endangers the relationship. That third can be someone real, but also someone imaginary. Sometimes a jealous person is not jealous of someone specific, but of everyone she believes might be interested in the person she loves.


Envy or jealousy

In our country, people often do not distinguish between envy and jealousy. They say others are jealous of their new car and the like. It takes two to be jealous and three to be jealous.

Basically, jealousy is a kind of fear, and that is the fear of losing love, that is, of not returning love. People who love someone and who feel loved know that one day it may stop for some reason. Therefore, there is no guarantee in love that it will really last a lifetime, even though both people who love each other want it that way at some point. Jealousy occurs when someone believes that they will lose the affection of a loved one because of someone else.

Although jealousy is actually fear – the fear of losing love – people can express it in different ways. The behavior on which jealousy motivates a jealous person is to protect their love relationship. A jealous person requires either a partner or a rival to change their behavior. In that sense, he uses some form of emotional blackmail. For example, she shows that she is sad and in a bad mood. In that way, he tells his partner that he is responsible for his or her feelings and that, if he (or she) loves him at all, he stops behaving like that.

If the partner feels pity or guilt, he will change his behavior. Likewise, a jealous person can intimidate a partner or rival. For this reason, a jealous person becomes angry and aggressive. We see this in small children: if another child approaches their mother, they come and push that child away. While young children direct their aggression towards a real or imagined rival, adults direct their aggression towards their partner. They think that they have an agreement with their partner that they will be faithful to each other, so they are angry with the partner for giving an excuse to someone else or for not energetically showing someone else earlier that he is not interested in his courtship. And sometimes they intimidate a rival or partner with the threat of murder, that is, the feeling of hatred. They make it clear that they could become irrationally destructive if their partner cheats on them.


Is there any connection between love and jealousy?

Yes. At the core, jealousy is a feeling that protects either an established relationship of love or the chance that such a relationship could be established. Someone who does not love, who is not interested in another cannot be jealous. That is why we believe that some kind of love is a precondition for jealousy. If there is no love, then it is something else: envy, possessiveness …


Is there a reasonable dose of jealousy?

Like other feelings, jealousy can be quite adequate if it is felt in a situation where someone is really winning over a partner or courting him and if it is expressed in a socially acceptable way. Jealousy motivates a person to protect the existing relationship of love and in that sense it is important whether he managed to do it. If so, then that jealousy is helpful. If in such situations a person would not be jealous, then he would not have a signal that the love relationship is endangered and would not initiate an action to protect the relationship.

If someone is often jealous, then something is wrong. In that case, we are first interested in whether the person was just as jealous before, with other partners. If so, then such behavior comes from her. As experiencing and expressing jealousy is characteristic of that person, we say that it is his character jealousy.

There are also situations that someone who has not been jealous of a partner before often becomes jealous. Then we bring his or her jealousy into contact with that partner. The appearance of jealousy means that the person does not feel safe in that relationship, that his partner does not provide him with enough security. The reason for that may be that the relationship is not good, that the partner is not really committed to that person and that they refuse to dedicate themselves to him, to belong to him. Another possible reason is that the partner is playing games of jealousy. To consciously or unconsciously provoke a feeling of jealousy in a person because he mistakenly believes that jealousy is a sign of love. Then the jealousy of the person is the partner’s gain because he sees in it a confirmation of the love relationship: He is jealous, it means he loves me. We constantly remind people that jealousy is not a sign of love, but a sign that there is a doubt in love.


Is jealousy self-destructive?

When jealousy is excessive, when someone feels it even though in reality there is no reason for it, when he expresses it in a socially unacceptable way, then jealousy is pathological. Then, instead of jealousy being the motive that moves a person to protect their love relationship, it becomes the main reason for breaking up the love relationship. Pathological jealousy is a very destructive feeling that makes everyone involved begin to suffer. Her first victim is the jealous person herself, and then her partner, which means that the relationship or marriage also begins to suffer. If children are also present, the consequences for them are negative due to the relationship in which jealousy prevails. In other words, excessive jealousy is both destructive and self-destructive.


What are the most common consequences of extreme forms of jealousy?

The main negative consequence of jealousy is violence. A large percentage of domestic violence arises from jealousy. Often, the bully is a man who, due to jealous suffering, starts drinking, and then tries to control a partner he does not trust in various ways. Unable to fully control it, he begins to apply intimidation strategies, as well as various types of violence, from restricting movement to beatings. And that is why all efforts to reduce domestic violence must include its root, and that is the feeling of jealousy in one or sometimes both partners.

The most extreme form of jealousy is murder. It is believed that the very expression of jealousy comes from loving and killing, while the latter can mean suffering, but also killing, taking lives. It is not clear whether it is love that kills the one who is jealous or it is the jealous person who kills the partner. In the Black Chronicle, we too often read that a man killed his ex-wife or partner, sometimes a joint child, and then tried to kill or killed himself. The motive for these murders is jealousy. The killer thinks he loves the sacrifice that left him so much that his life is turned into hell. As she does not want to return to him, he does not want to live without her. But he also doesn’t want to let her live and be happy without him. And so he comes up with the idea to kill them both. That’s it: If you won’t be mine, you won’t be anyone’s. Such an act fully expresses that destructive potential of jealousy.


Are male and female jealousy different?

Both men and women can be both jealous and pathologically jealous. In both we have the same logic on which jealousy is based. For example, there is jealousy from feelings of inferiority. It occurs when a person, male or female, feels that he is not valuable enough to deserve to be loved. And that is why, when someone who loves her appears, she doesn’t trust him because she thinks she doesn’t deserve to be loved. She thinks that the other loves her only because he does not know her, but that when he gets to know her better, he will reject her. And that is why she hides herself from the other, but also delays the moment of breakup by being jealous of all those she considers better than herself. Both men and women may feel that they are not beautiful enough, smart enough, rich enough or something else to be loved. The point here is that people do not accept themselves, so they do not believe that their partner can accept them as they are.

On the other hand, both she and he can believe that the opposite sex is corrupt. This type of jealousy often arises on the basis of messages from parents telling the child not to trust the opposite sex in order not to experience the negative fate of their parents. Sometimes it can also occur due to bad early experiences with people of the opposite sex, so that the young person concludes that all of them are such and such. Later in life, when she finds a partner she loves, such a person begins to fear that in some situation, perhaps under the influence of alcohol, the true nature of the opposite sex will work in the partner and that he will cheat on her. So he tries to jealously control him and keep him from his nature.

What makes men and women different is the way jealousy manifests itself. In that sense, men use violence much more often than women. There is an impression that our women turn their aggression more towards their rival than towards their partner.

Can a jealous person help himself?

The main problem with people who are overly jealous is that they do not see their jealousy as a problem. Instead, they see the partner’s behavior as a problem. They expect him to behave differently so as not to provoke a feeling of jealousy in them. So they want the partner to change. When someone is pathologically jealous and breaks up because of jealousy one after the other, he or she does not ask himself what is wrong with him or her, but wonders why there is no happiness in life, so he encounters unreliable partners.

And when someone realizes that he is pathologically jealous, that is very good. The person is then in an internal conflict between the jealous act and the other act that tries to curb jealousy. However, the jealous person continues to make jealous scenes in situations where he feels challenged, so that he is not able to control himself. What can help her is to seek the help of an expert who will lead her through conversations to understand her inner logic, to shed light on the beliefs on which her jealousy arose, on which experiences from her childhood and youth. Then, through psychotherapy, it is possible to change the way you look at yourself and others and outgrow the feeling of jealousy.


Is it possible to be cured, that is, gaining self-esteem is a way of eliminating pathological jealousy?

It is very important to emphasize that jealousy can be treated and cured, but under the condition that the person really perceives his jealousy as unwanted and problematic. The treatment is carried out depending on the type of jealousy in question. If the main reason is that a person does not accept himself because he believes that he could accept himself only if he were able to fulfill some condition that he imposed on himself, which he cannot fulfill, then psychotherapy is aimed at the person himself accept unconditionally. Only a person who believes that as she really is deserves to be loved can accept the love of another person and be sure that the other will continue to love her, that the relationship is secure.

However, if jealousy is associated with a negative definition of the other sex in style, all men are promiscuous or all women are of easy morals, then it is necessary to treat the notion of the other. How did that show come about – from others or based on your early experiences in high school and the like. People then realize that this attitude protects them from being hurt, but that with such a distance from others, they will never make love and feel safe in a relationship.


What can really be said about people who want to own others?

We can say that these are people who have a wrong idea about love, about what a relationship or marriage should look like, what kind of relationships they have to have two who love each other. In relationships, there are two selves that enter into a common self. She and he have to agree on how much each of them will be me, and how much we will do it. Possessive people post things either that there is only us or that in addition to the common me there is only their self. They ask their partner to merge with them or to submit to them completely and unconditionally.

Sometimes people think that true love is when they merge with another, when they enter into symbiosis with another. Then they want to constantly know where the other is, what he is doing, who he is talking to, how he feels. As soon as the other is not in contact with them, they feel that they miss them, that they do not love them and the like. That is why they insist on constant interpenetration. This notion of love suits some, but does not suit most. In it, the other feels persecuted, controlled, and perceives the partner as dependent, as hard and overly jealous, scared or aggressive.

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